I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
