Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
