is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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