I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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