I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize