I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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