i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
