oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
