I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
