apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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