i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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