a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
