Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
