If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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