i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize