I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
