Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Semen is not good for contacts.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
