Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
