My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
