Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
