Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
