just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
