my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
