I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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