how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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