In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
