Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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