Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
