I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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