New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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