I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
