oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Everything about him screamed your future.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Randomize
