what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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