In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
