True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We got so high we made milksteak
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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