if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
