Your mouth is God's brothel.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
