Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
