Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Even my vagina gasped.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
