dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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