my vag is so smooth its legendary
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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