I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
