He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
