he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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