Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
no, he came in my armpit
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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