How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
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Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
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Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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