He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
