You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
