Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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