so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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