I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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