Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
