i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize