Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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