Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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