Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize