If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
